Is it really selfish to be selfish?

The thing I love about being a therapist is challenging the ideas and concepts of some words and phrases that people have learned over time. Where does your mind or thoughts go when asked about being selfish? Is it that being selfish is bad and 'ugh what an insult!' if someone were to say that to you? What if I told you....maybe it wasn't such an insult. Maybe, just maybe, being selfish can be something positive and actually healthy for you! First of all, please don't leave this and tell people "oh my gosh, this random therapist who has two blogs said that it was healthy to

be selfish". Secondly, it is all about how you define and then implement the selfishness. Being selfish can be the equivalent to healthy and appropriate boundaries while also prioritizing yourself. I have two toddlers which I am sure you will hear so much about, an almost 2 year old and a 4 year old who I love dearly and they both provide such amazing humor in my life. They also add stress, mom guilt, high self expectations, worry, and all the ups and downs of motherhood. Through the years of work and burnout and navigating healthy (healthish let's be honest) work home boundaries I have learned to find some balance. I try to schedule limited sessions on Friday so that I can take myself out to lunch and have some alone time...with myself. My boys go to daycare and spend time learning, playing, and socializing with their friends. Could I take Friday's off and keep them at home with me or create a fun activity to do together- absolutely. I will say, sometimes I will do that with them; however, for the most part I don't! Someone could easily say or interpret this as being selfish in a negative way and I should be spending more quality time with my kids. However, for me personally, this form of 'selfish' is actually quite helpful for my mental health which in turn makes me a better mom! During the days I have to myself I may focus on more self care type of stuff (exercise, walk outside, reading, listening to music, etc) or I may focus on things that I would like to get done (clean house, laundry, etc). Both types of days make me feel mentally in a better spot and allow me to be more present with my children when I pick them up.

If you were to look back and reflect on some of the things you do, would you consider them selfish or would you consider them boundary setting? I understand that at times this concept may be hard to understand or really decipher whether it is good selfishness or you should be offended that someone is calling you this. Part of how you may come to a decision or conclusion is asking yourself what is the motivation behind the act. When I ask myself this question in regards to taking Fridays to myself, often the answer is to better myself and allow myself to be more intentional with my relationships. Ultimately, the day may be selfish but the results benefit others. I have had a client who bought themselves a very nice purse and was told she was selfish for doing so which then fed into her guilt. When asked what the motive was for the purse, well she had worked really hard and had extra money after paying bills and getting her children new items as well. So is this really selfish? Or is this rewarding herself for working hard and some self validation.

What I believe to be important, whether in therapy or not, is understanding the reframe. If someone is calling you selfish or if you are having the self talk of being selfish, what is the motivation and what is the reframe. Are you truly selfish, or are you setting appropriate boundaries rewarding yourself, or validating yourself?